| My greatest fear in life is people actually caring for me as me...sounds weird huh? I spend my whole life looking for perfection in myself and trying to achieve it but i have never stop to think maybe I am ok as is...i am blessed with a great family but siblings that don't get me. We are the same person trapped in completely different worlds. Things goes unsaid and said in seconds before a 3rd person can figure out that we had exchanged enough info to settle or start a fight. That's the kind of relationship we look for yet its also the kind that open you to the greatest hurt. |
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| <a year and 4 days since my last post does that mean I have grown? expanded my horizon?> not really...living is an act of suspending your reality or creating one to invite others to join. its scary when you manage to convince people that your little bubble is acutally pretty cool to be in...but what happen when your original purpose was to have people keep your expanding black hole in check and next thing you know they are standing right next to you wondering "so homie whats the next move?" nothing I write ever makes sense unless you were in conversation with me within the last 48 hrs but bravo for those that can appreciate a good mind dump. so what have I learn in the last year...about myself...I have a detachment issue...about other...others don't change...about life...its a fun experiment and people are always ready to be subjected to some prodding (even I get lost in my own experiments and wake up one day wondering what happen). ever walk around thinking you have all life's question answered but in reality you're just taking the position of an old lady that can only live thru the weighting of risk vs. return. When did life become an economic issue? i don't know but the more i let other people's live bombard into mine the more I am unsure if anything I am doing is what I wanna do or if anything i am experiencing truly an experience I requested. |
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| stroking ego
finding company
not being lonely
making money
helping others
feeling appreciated
being considered
put first
put last
wish things were different but what is the "different"
always looking forward never at the present if you don't have the foundation how do u built the structure
being in control
losing control
thinking too much
thinking too little
grudges
forgiveness vs. forget
go with the flow
family
friends? extension of your psyche?
love what is it? why does it give you butterflies or does it?
smiles and tears both are used interchangeably
the fear of failure governs us...the inability to step away why? how many chances are passed?
you envy that's why you hate? or you envy that's why you love? both separates you from how you feel about that object
honest and truth leads to guilt and shame?
the human nature and our need to cover up the dirtiness of it
just bc people are nice don't mean they are nice to each other
questions and information
death is scary but living take courage
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| 1) It seems to be a self esteem killer when you offer your clothes to a friend that you have been the larger size of and they "caught up" to fit them.
2) There is a difference between being alone and being lonely...I am alone not lonely.
3) Never assume all men are gay at a gay bar...never!!
4) When the term "you know" is used you know you have no idea what do they know you know.
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| passive aggressive behavior is a cowards way of not dealing with life!
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